Style Conversational Week 1389: Atlas Mugged The Empress of The Style Invitational on this week’s geography puns and new TankaWanka contest “Infinitum,” a work by artist Ben Sack of Leesburg, Va. With another twist on geography — a pun on “Tiananmen Square” — Ben is this week's Style Invitational Lose Cannon winner, and a First Offender to boot. “Infinitum,” a work by artist Ben Sack of Leesburg, Va. With another twist on geography — a pun on “Tiananmen Square” — Ben is this week's Style Invitational Lose Cannon winner, and a First Offender to boot. (Ben Sack) By Pat Myers June 18, 2020 at 4:20 p.m. EDT I’m going to tell you: I really didn’t care much for about 2,250 of the entries to Week 1385 of The Style Invitational, the contest to slightly alter a place name and describe the new place. I’d look at whole pages of my master list of entries (I sorted them alphabetically this week, so individual Losers’ submissions were scattered all over the list) and I wouldn’t check off anything to add to my shortlist: So, so many of the descriptions were overly obvious, or humorless, or strained in a mighty effort to be clever. I went so far as to send two extra pictures to Eddie, the Invite’s layout guy for the print paper, in case we had to fill up the page because there wouldn’t be enough good entries. But — and regular readers of The Style Conversational know where I’m going here — those 2,250 entries were irrelevant. Because I’d received 2,350 entries. AD And once I’d heartlessly said “thank you very much” to the also-rans and sent them on their way, I realized that I had at least 100 clever, funny, novel wordplays to choose from (and about half of them destined to be robbed of ink. Yes, of course, all of your non-inking entries were in that second half). So yesterday I told Eddie, “Never mind,” and filled the page to brimming with 46 place names in the results of Week 1385 — four of them, including the winner, by First Offenders. I had bounced a list of about 60 names off my predecessor, the Czar, to help make the final cuts. It was an easy choice to name the winner, though: “Tea ‘n’ a Mint Square,” which, according to one X.J., is a lovely park where nothing bad has ever happened. Some years ago, the Royal Consort and I hosted a high school exchange student from Shenzhen, China; we learned during her year with us that she (and likely her parents) had no idea of what had happened there in 1989. (She now lives and works in California.) And what a pleasant surprise to discover that it was by a First Offender, Ben Sack of Leesburg, Va. AD Last night, I Googled his name and discovered that the thirtyish Ben is an artist of renown, with gallery representation, solo shows, the whole schmear — and with such fascinating artworks: meticulous yet fantastical pen-and-ink renderings of dense, towering cities in aerial view. Here’s how he describes the work “Infinitum” (2016) at the top of this page: “It’s a kind of rhapsody on a metropolitan theme. Massive buildings drawn minutely, a meditation and play upon perspective and the infinities it opens. Each building a note, the roads a rhythm, a symphony of dots and dashes tying histories together and bridging rivers of time.” Yeah. And speaking of rhythm and dots and dashes, catch this entrancing time-lapse video from his website, set to Saint-Saens’s “Danse Macabre.” In an email this morning, Ben noted a previous Invite connection — his parents are friends with Losers Mark and Claudia Raffman. Small town! AD Our three runners-up this week aren’t First Offenders, but almost: It’s the fifth blot of ink, and the first “above the fold,” for Ed Scarbrough, who sent up his own home base, Germantown, Md., into Germ Man Town to honor Dr. Fauci. And just the third for Ken Liss (Ohaha, Nebraska, where they’re slow to get the joke); his second was also a runner-up, the song pun “Ranger ops keep pollen on my head.” In fact, it falls to Ryan Martinez to be the veteran of this week’s Losers’ Circle; Ryan, who’s still in his rookie year, gets Ink No. 8 with Napless, connecting the Italian and Floridian Napleses. (Sorry, the many of you who did the Nipples, Italy, joke.) What Doug Dug: Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood told me he also liked the four top winners, and also singled out Alpacastan, hiding place of Osama bin Llama (Gregory Koch); Bantucket, no limericks allowed! (Gary Crockett); Cyberia, where Putin banishes ineffective trolls and hackers (Ray Gallucci, Chris Murphy); Fucson, “pronounced Foo-sahn!” (Jesse Aronson); and Pencilvania, the nation’s No. 2 tourist destination (Danielle Nowlin, Pia Palamidessi). Don’t Go There: Unprintables. Alas, this week I didn’t single out any entries that would have gotten ink if The Post didn’t have those pesky taste standards. You got Tittsburgh; you’ve got Awphucket, R.I. Nah. AD The headline for this column, “Atlas Mugged,” was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jeff Contompasis. Tanka gas*: This week’s new contest *Headline by Danielle Nowlin from 2015 In November 2015, a California police officer pulled over a car that was creeping along at 24 mph in a 35 mph zone — then noticed that nobody was driving it. The cop didn't give the Google Autonomous Vehicle a ticket; after all, as Nan Reiner noted in her winning TankaWanka poem shortly afterward, the car was white. (Zandr Milewski) In November 2015, a California police officer pulled over a car that was creeping along at 24 mph in a 35 mph zone — then noticed that nobody was driving it. The cop didn't give the Google Autonomous Vehicle a ticket; after all, as Nan Reiner noted in her winning TankaWanka poem shortly afterward, the car was white. (Zandr Milewski) Google self-driving car pulled over for driving too slowly, impeding traffic California fuzz Stopped a car, and found it was Driving by itself. Gave a warning, didn’t cite. Need I say the car was white? (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla., 2015) Style Invitational humor that plays off that week’s headlines can be ephemeral, something that leaves you scratching your head a few weeks later, wondering what already forgotten event it was referring to. But as Nan’s Inkin’ Memorial-winning TankaWanka II entry illustrates, some “news” just keeps on going. Holy moly, do you think you have enough subject matter right now for a five-line verse? AD The specifications for what we’re calling TankaWanka are spelled out in the instructions: 5, 7, 5, 7, 7. (I can be a bit flexible about what’s a syllable; “aren’t,” for example, could be one or two, depending on what you need.) At least two of the lines must rhyme with each other; I’d figured that those two should be the final two, serving as a punchline, but we’ve had many inking TankaWanka that rhymed other lines. Besides Nan’s winner, here are some inking entries from our three previous TankaWanka contests. You can see full, paywall-free sets of results by searching for “Tanka” on the Master Contest List on the Losers’ website, NRARS.org. Then click on one of the links on the right side of that row (plain text or PDF). Or see them on The Post’s pages from the links below. Please forgive the excess line spacing within the verses; there’s still no way to overrule that on this new publishing system that The Post is still developing (I use a different system on the Invite itself). AD A sampling From Week 1095, November 2014: The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: On “Gamergate,” harassment of women in the gaming world: Gamer dweebs all say Girls are not supposed to play. Hey, guys: Get a clue. We have learned what we can do With our joysticks, without you. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place: Midterm votes are done: Optimism’s fading fast That the folks who won Somehow will — unlike the last — See that more than gas gets passed. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place: Sunni on Shia, Russian troops in Crimea, Ebola, ISIS, Worldwide crisis and drama — As per Fox: Thanks, Obama! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) The conservative Wing of the Catholic Church Was left in the lurch. The libs are ecstatic in Pope Francis’s Vatican. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) In Eastern Ukraine The Russians foment trouble Surreptitiously. They’re hiding their mischief well — Says Putin: “Donetsk, don’t tell.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Fake classes for jocks At UNC Chapel Hill? Imagine our shock That (pick any college name) Was not busted for the same. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Sarah Palin hopes To run for office again. The GOP needs, So she says, to have “more guts.” (What they don’t need is more nuts.) (Chris Doyle) And though I am on record as vowing that no “hot air” jokes about Congress, etc., will get ink in The Style Invitational, Kevin Dopart got this one in. (But that’s it! No more!) Defective air bags In cars across the country Pose a threat for some. But the air bags you should fear Are those elected this year. (Kevin Dopart) From Week 1148, December 2015 3rd place: Coywolf, coyote-wolf hybrid, sees population boom Wolf, in search of mate, Struck out, then said, “You know what? Coyotes look great!” Fairy tale changes wryly When Riding Hood meets Wile E. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place: Nationals lose manager choice over too-low offer “Bud Black is our guy! He can run our pitching staff!” But they made a gaffe With their offer so mulish — Penny-wise and mound-foolish. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Asian leaders meet China’s Xi Jinping And Taiwan’s Ma Ying-jeou met; There should be an ad: “Spacious meeting room to let — The historic Ma-Xi pad.”(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) From Week 1231, July 2017 4th place Superhero films Keep making box office news. Why? Not hard to see:We wish our troubles could be Wrapped up in a great “S” cape. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place “Hello, Cabinet! Tell me how much you love me!” Each of them complied. Thought: Having fewer suck-ups Might produce fewer … organizational failures. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: Cabinet meeting, Filled with yes-men all bleating Fealty to their Don. You suck up to El Jefe Or land in Deep Covfefe. (Nan Reiner) ‘Millions doubt global warming’: “Science” says, “It’s hot!” So ’14’s “the hottest!” first, Then ’15 topped that, Then, for heat, ’16’s the worst! See? They can’t keep their facts straight! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) So go for it — and don’t forget the other contest that’s running, to pair a word or phrase with its anagram and make it the name of a business, product, etc. Like “Legato Gelato.” Lay 'em on me!